[The lack of resistance shouldn't keep surprising him, honestly. Amada's made it clear enough that he doesn't hate him, that he wants to know him in some capacity, which is something Shinjiro's had to quietly grapple with over the last seven months.
But that's also why he can't keep running away from this. The kid agrees to join him, and something tightens in his gut, but there's a sense of relief in it, almost. Like lancing a wound and preparing to finally drain and clean it after too long left to fester.
He settles down on the roof with the kid, after a short walk in silence. The kid's right; the Stellari skyline is nice, especially at night. The breeze is cool and pleasant, too, the chill of autumn creeping in without the sheer bite of winter.
After a long moment he speaks -- not quite able to broach the question he wants directly just yet, but a conversation needs to start somewhere.]
Hard to believe it's been almost three years, now.
[That's nearly a third of the kid's life...the weight of that still gnaws at him.]
[Ken wasn't going to argue as he couldn't hide from Shinjiro forever. As much as he wanted to avoid him, he couldn't. Especially when he knew bits and pieces about the future now. Knowing that they had to fight against death, he just had to keep moving forward even if it kills him.
He didn't say a word. He simply followed his senpai to sit on the rooftop. Looking down at the sky before them, he smiled a little to himself. It certainly was a nice night to be looking out at the stars.]
...Yes, it has.
[He spoke with some uncertainty.]
Time flies a lot faster when you're not aware of it.
[Not aware of it huh ... if only. Shinjiro's acutely aware of the passing of time, especially since his death. Every day here is a day longer than he was supposed to have, and for so many months all he could think about was when they would finally stop coming. When he could fix what he broke and disappear at long last.
He's no longer so sure that's the right path, but in a way, it only makes him more aware of the days that pass. Amada might spend a significant amount of his formative years here, if things continue as they have. Maybe he'll even come to see it as a home. He doesn't ... know what the kid wants, not really. He's been stuck on this mental image of fixing things for so long, and he never even really questioned it until the day Aki's wish put the wrong Persona in his head and he had to take back Castor just to keep his oldest friend from ending up like him.
Aki was wrong about what he needed, but he'd wanted Shinjiro to be okay. And for all the thought burns in his gut when it comes to himself -- that's all he wants for the kid, too. He grips at the roof shingles until his hands ache from the pressure, before he forces himself to keep talking, to not run away.]
Yeah? Has it...gotten easier? To not be aware of it, I mean. Or at least not all the time.
[He can't say that he hasn't forgotten about it, the pain has dulled a bit. All he wants is some closure between himself, his mother, and the person next to him. He knew a part of him might not forgive Shinjiro for what he did but he also knew that holding all that anger inside wasn't going to solve anything. Especially now when he knew that he had to fight death going back home.
He couldn't allow himself to think such things. Holding to that anger would probably make it easier for death to kill him. Thinking about it now, he was just terrified of what the future might be for all of them.]
...I am aware of it but it doesn't hurt as much as it once did.
[It's the first thing that comes to mind to say. It's good that he's doing better, that he's found himself having an easier time living.
But he didn't ask the kid up to the roof to be satisfied just at that, so...he takes a deep breath, letting his eyes close for just a moment and willing the crisp night air to settle his nerves somewhat.]
...I gotta ask you about something. Give me an honest answer, alright? Don't worry about how I'll feel about it.
[He doesn't wait for Amada to respond, though, because he has to get the words out before he loses the will to speak them at all.]
Listen, the wish I made when I came here -- I wanted to undo that whole night. Like it never happened in the first place. I thought it was the least I owed you, if I was gonna keep living. ...But I realize, I never asked if that's something you'd actually want.
[Laserhawk felt it wouldn't be worth it, to strip away the pain that made him who he is. Maybe Amada feels the same, and he's been selfish all this time, even as he thought he was doing the right thing.]
[Somehow, he wasn't surprised to hear that was his wish. He would do anything to change the outcome if he could. In return, Ken shook his head.]
...As much as I miss her, I'm not sure if that is what I want. I wouldn't have been able to meet Arisato-san and the others. And that includes you too.
[For better and for worst. With so much that happened in the months he has been here, he definitely learned a lot. He knew that running away from his pain was not going to make things better. He also knew that nothing would change if he didn't do something. With that, he closed his eyes before giving a sigh.]
But if you're going to tell me the truth, I think I should be honest too. That night, when you died, I was planning on killing myself. Even if my plans didn't turn out the way I wanted to, I didn't see a point in living.
[And thinking about it now, it still hurt. However, he knew it was a feeling that would never go away.]
That's why my wish was to trade places with you. That way, I would be the one to die and save you instead.
[Any dry remark he may have had to make about the value of knowing him dies in his throat immediately as Amada keeps talking. That was his wish? Nearly eight months they've spent in this world, and he didn't have a clue. He'd thought -- he'd hoped his death would've given the kid closure. Had been angry at the notion of this world robbing him of it, ripping the wound back open, but...apparently he still hasn't understood the kid whose life he ruined at all.
For a while, he's been ... trying at living, at least more so than simply waiting around for death to come for him as he did in Iwatodai. It's hard, and painful, and exhausting. Some days are better than others. But through it all, he's never actually doubted that the kid would be better off without him around. Maybe he was wrong about that, too.]
Kid...
[He lets out a soft sigh, unable to meet the boy's eyes. He pulls up his knees a bit closer, leaning against them a little more heavily than before.]
There ain't a point, exactly. Just ... something you keep doin'. One step at a time.
[It's something that was said to him early on in his time here, and he's held onto it over the months. Perhaps it's fitting to repeat it to Amada like this, on this night. He breathes, breathes, and opens his eyes, looking up at the unfamiliar stars. Castor is gone in more ways than one.]
I'll keep walking if you do, alright? We can make a pact of it.
[If Ken was planning on dying, he might as well make use of his wish. He didn't want to die knowing he made a terrible decision. He didn't want Shinjiro to die because of him. If he had the choice, he would have traded places with him as there would be some meaning to his death.
Still, now that he was here with the others? He was learning that live was worth it. Especially with all the friends he made here and telling him to keep moving forward...]
Yeah? It sounds like you made a choice to keep on living.
[He said with a sigh as well. Looking up at the night sky, he took in a deep breath in. He knew that there was no turning back after this conversation.]
[Has he made that choice, truly? Shinjiro doesn't feel like he'd honestly committed to it until this moment. Hearing Amada say it out loud makes it feel more real to him, somehow.
He turns toward the younger boy, meeting his eyes for the first time tonight. It aches, but Shinjiro has always wanted to do the right thing, wanted to be accountable for what he did that night. And in this moment, he feels -- maybe he still can. Even if it's hard to accept, if being alive helps the kid move on ... he has that obligation, doesn't he?
His answer could never be anything else.]
That's good.
[A repeat of his earlier words, but more confident this time. Less a placeholder, to fill a silence.]
We'll both do it. And if it starts getting too hard, sticking to that choice ... [he swallows, heart beating fast in his chest; this is it, the line in the sand he tried so hard to hold, thinking it to be for the best]
You can call me. And we'll struggle with it together.
[Ken didn't have a choice. Knowing what the future entails, he wanted to keep on fighting. Now that he knows his teammates still accepted him after what he did, he had to return the favor. He couldn't allow them to die at the hands of death back home.
If he was going to die? At the very least, he would put up a fight to protect the ones he cares about. And that includes Shinjiro too. It was funny, it felt like a huge weight was lifted off his shoulders. Laughing to himself, he hugged his legs as he leaned forward.]
The same goes to you too, okay? If you feel like you're struggling, you can call me too.
[That one's harder to promise. Everything in Shinjiro says absolutely not, it isn't on the kid to concern himself with his own troubles, that even if he were to make himself more easily available and keep less of a distance than before, he couldn't allow that care to go both ways.
But he'd also decided long ago that his life belonged to the kid. If Amada really wants to be part of it that much...who is he to refuse? That little laugh is so much happier and less troubled than he'd ever thought he'd have the chance to hear. The decision is obvious.
It takes him a minute to work himself up to it, all the same.]
Okay.
[Said so softly, almost inaudible against the wind. Gently allowing his shoulder to bump against Amada's, he repeats:]
[No matter how much Ken wants to deny it; he owes Shinjiro his life. Should he continue to stay here or leave, he knows he has to carry his teammate's legacy with him. After two years of seeking nothing but vengeance, it has come down to this. He knew he had to keep on living for the sake of his friends.
He didn't want to die; he wants to do the best he can right now.]
Yeah, we will.
[He said as he hugged his legs even tighter.]
Just make sure you tell me if you need anything. I know Sanada-san will help you but I want to try and do the same too.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
whatsamada) wrote2025-03-08 05:24 am
on god i am slowly gathering my shit
But that's also why he can't keep running away from this. The kid agrees to join him, and something tightens in his gut, but there's a sense of relief in it, almost. Like lancing a wound and preparing to finally drain and clean it after too long left to fester.
He settles down on the roof with the kid, after a short walk in silence. The kid's right; the Stellari skyline is nice, especially at night. The breeze is cool and pleasant, too, the chill of autumn creeping in without the sheer bite of winter.
After a long moment he speaks -- not quite able to broach the question he wants directly just yet, but a conversation needs to start somewhere.]
Hard to believe it's been almost three years, now.
[That's nearly a third of the kid's life...the weight of that still gnaws at him.]
You can do it!!
He didn't say a word. He simply followed his senpai to sit on the rooftop. Looking down at the sky before them, he smiled a little to himself. It certainly was a nice night to be looking out at the stars.]
...Yes, it has.
[He spoke with some uncertainty.]
Time flies a lot faster when you're not aware of it.
no subject
He's no longer so sure that's the right path, but in a way, it only makes him more aware of the days that pass. Amada might spend a significant amount of his formative years here, if things continue as they have. Maybe he'll even come to see it as a home. He doesn't ... know what the kid wants, not really. He's been stuck on this mental image of fixing things for so long, and he never even really questioned it until the day Aki's wish put the wrong Persona in his head and he had to take back Castor just to keep his oldest friend from ending up like him.
Aki was wrong about what he needed, but he'd wanted Shinjiro to be okay. And for all the thought burns in his gut when it comes to himself -- that's all he wants for the kid, too. He grips at the roof shingles until his hands ache from the pressure, before he forces himself to keep talking, to not run away.]
Yeah? Has it...gotten easier? To not be aware of it, I mean. Or at least not all the time.
no subject
[He can't say that he hasn't forgotten about it, the pain has dulled a bit. All he wants is some closure between himself, his mother, and the person next to him. He knew a part of him might not forgive Shinjiro for what he did but he also knew that holding all that anger inside wasn't going to solve anything. Especially now when he knew that he had to fight death going back home.
He couldn't allow himself to think such things. Holding to that anger would probably make it easier for death to kill him. Thinking about it now, he was just terrified of what the future might be for all of them.]
...I am aware of it but it doesn't hurt as much as it once did.
no subject
[It's the first thing that comes to mind to say. It's good that he's doing better, that he's found himself having an easier time living.
But he didn't ask the kid up to the roof to be satisfied just at that, so...he takes a deep breath, letting his eyes close for just a moment and willing the crisp night air to settle his nerves somewhat.]
...I gotta ask you about something. Give me an honest answer, alright? Don't worry about how I'll feel about it.
[He doesn't wait for Amada to respond, though, because he has to get the words out before he loses the will to speak them at all.]
Listen, the wish I made when I came here -- I wanted to undo that whole night. Like it never happened in the first place. I thought it was the least I owed you, if I was gonna keep living. ...But I realize, I never asked if that's something you'd actually want.
[Laserhawk felt it wouldn't be worth it, to strip away the pain that made him who he is. Maybe Amada feels the same, and he's been selfish all this time, even as he thought he was doing the right thing.]
no subject
...As much as I miss her, I'm not sure if that is what I want. I wouldn't have been able to meet Arisato-san and the others. And that includes you too.
[For better and for worst. With so much that happened in the months he has been here, he definitely learned a lot. He knew that running away from his pain was not going to make things better. He also knew that nothing would change if he didn't do something. With that, he closed his eyes before giving a sigh.]
But if you're going to tell me the truth, I think I should be honest too. That night, when you died, I was planning on killing myself. Even if my plans didn't turn out the way I wanted to, I didn't see a point in living.
[And thinking about it now, it still hurt. However, he knew it was a feeling that would never go away.]
That's why my wish was to trade places with you. That way, I would be the one to die and save you instead.
no subject
For a while, he's been ... trying at living, at least more so than simply waiting around for death to come for him as he did in Iwatodai. It's hard, and painful, and exhausting. Some days are better than others. But through it all, he's never actually doubted that the kid would be better off without him around. Maybe he was wrong about that, too.]
Kid...
[He lets out a soft sigh, unable to meet the boy's eyes. He pulls up his knees a bit closer, leaning against them a little more heavily than before.]
There ain't a point, exactly. Just ... something you keep doin'. One step at a time.
[It's something that was said to him early on in his time here, and he's held onto it over the months. Perhaps it's fitting to repeat it to Amada like this, on this night. He breathes, breathes, and opens his eyes, looking up at the unfamiliar stars. Castor is gone in more ways than one.]
I'll keep walking if you do, alright? We can make a pact of it.
I AM LATE WITH STARBUCKS
Still, now that he was here with the others? He was learning that live was worth it. Especially with all the friends he made here and telling him to keep moving forward...]
Yeah? It sounds like you made a choice to keep on living.
[He said with a sigh as well. Looking up at the night sky, he took in a deep breath in. He knew that there was no turning back after this conversation.]
...Because I think I have.
bring those bearista cups we'll have a party
He turns toward the younger boy, meeting his eyes for the first time tonight. It aches, but Shinjiro has always wanted to do the right thing, wanted to be accountable for what he did that night. And in this moment, he feels -- maybe he still can. Even if it's hard to accept, if being alive helps the kid move on ... he has that obligation, doesn't he?
His answer could never be anything else.]
That's good.
[A repeat of his earlier words, but more confident this time. Less a placeholder, to fill a silence.]
We'll both do it. And if it starts getting too hard, sticking to that choice ... [he swallows, heart beating fast in his chest; this is it, the line in the sand he tried so hard to hold, thinking it to be for the best]
You can call me. And we'll struggle with it together.
no subject
If he was going to die? At the very least, he would put up a fight to protect the ones he cares about. And that includes Shinjiro too. It was funny, it felt like a huge weight was lifted off his shoulders. Laughing to himself, he hugged his legs as he leaned forward.]
The same goes to you too, okay? If you feel like you're struggling, you can call me too.
[And on that note?]
.....And maybe our teammates too.
no subject
But he'd also decided long ago that his life belonged to the kid. If Amada really wants to be part of it that much...who is he to refuse? That little laugh is so much happier and less troubled than he'd ever thought he'd have the chance to hear. The decision is obvious.
It takes him a minute to work himself up to it, all the same.]
Okay.
[Said so softly, almost inaudible against the wind. Gently allowing his shoulder to bump against Amada's, he repeats:]
We'll do it together.
no subject
He didn't want to die; he wants to do the best he can right now.]
Yeah, we will.
[He said as he hugged his legs even tighter.]
Just make sure you tell me if you need anything. I know Sanada-san will help you but I want to try and do the same too.